no more lies! i live at the oakland airport. the lauren you see at the apartment is actually a fantastic projection from a hidden lens on the cat. i'll patent the technology as soon as i get a break from greeting'n'sending folks who go places. no, that's a lie too. there is no break.
i'd like to talk to work and movers and cellular phone people about the move back east, but joe is a beautiful dandelion who floats and scatters and amuses children or something. i've tried to weigh him down with food; it doesn't stick. i will continue to nest if i can't plan on leaving, is the problem, and i can't swear that i won't acquire more furniture and animals in the absence of a schedule.
i want to apply for courses in DC and pack my dishes between newspapers and have a go at the whole rosy glow a place is supposed to take on when one leaves, but - how wearystaleflat&unprofitable, and all that crap.
so current events got me after all -
WASHINGTON - Bat Boy has volunteered!
In a bizarre turn of events, the half-bat, half-human mutant reportedly has joined the U.S. military - and is being trained to use his super-sensitive hearing, keen sense of smell and other unique talents to hunt down terrorists in the caves, holes and hovels they hide in!
[...]
"When the Marines found him, he was clutching a newspaper that had a photo of Osama bin Laden with a sniper's crosshairs over his face," reports the source. "He must have found it on a road or in a parking lot because it had tire tracks on it.
"I'm told that he held it up, pointed to the picture and said, 'Bad man...lemme get him...bite him up."
[...]
Here's how Bat Boy can help America!
"Bat Boy can go places and do things no normal soldier can," a highly placed Pentagon source says.
"His hearing is 10,000 times more acute than an ordinary human's and he can track smells like a bloodhound. He's able to navigate in total darkness like a bat, using a kind of built-in radar. He can scuttle up a sheer cliff effortlessly and is strong enough to pull a man's arm out of the socket.
"Best of all, he's totally at home in mountain caves - where many terrorists like Osama bin Laden hide."
Surprisingly, Pentagon testers found, Bat Boy has a gift for learning languages quickly.
"While he speaks English poorly, he understands it perfectly and should easily master Arabic," the source says. "This will help him on spy missions behind enemy lines.
"Bat Boy used to be America's most wanted - but now he's America's secret weapon."
(weekly world news 10.16.01)
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