02.28.17

sean spicer and i seem to be active around the same time; i've angry-jogged at at least three of his farcical speeches this winter. or nine of them, maybe, if you account for the fact that my building's exercise room tends to blare fox news, cnn, and msnbc at the same time. such a barrage of captions! we will not watch the president address congress tonight. sometimes i feel like my attention is the only thing i can deny him that he actually values.

the dirty dozen {twelve passages from francine raymond's keeping a few ducks in your garden (2002)}

01 We seem to be imprinted in the local wild duck population's consciousness as an easy lay.
02 Next, consult your neighbours to see if they'll help with your flock while you're on holiday and are prepared to put up with the odd quack.
03 If you live in a really foxy area it's not worth the heartbreak—or the expense.
04 They seem happy, even in the most appalling conditions, but please give them as much water as possible, they love to wallow—and don't overcrowd.
05 The Domestic Fowl Trust supplies a mail order duck pond and will send out an excellent catalogue (see Directory). You could use a child's paddling pool with rigid sides as an extra temporary pond for big ducklings with a ramp to get in and out, but not an inflatable—they have quite sharp claws.*
06 Only ducks quack, drakes have a basso rasping croak.
07 Don't give them mash, because ducks turn everything into mash.
08 My army also love barley (available in mixed corn), boiled rice, brown bread** soaked in water, pasta, sweetcorn kernels, peanuts, and old cheese.
09 Ducklings grow at a spectacular rate, much faster than chicks and a hen foster mum will be horrified at the early independence and aquatic proclivities of her charges.
10 I have raised abandoned ducklings with success. I'm not sure I should recommend it, but pairs do well. Keep them in a box, warm in an old sweater under an anglepoise lamp.
11 Nowadays sadly, I harden my heart even though there is probably nothing more appealing than a tiny duckling—I'm afraid it's just too time consuming. I always had something down my jumper and found myself turning down social engagements because of my charges.
12 You can catch them in their house at night, but if you need them immediately use an angler's fish-landing net. I've had occasional success with a large bamboo cloche, but have been considered a murderer by the entire flock for at least a fortnight afterwards. Move slowly among your ducks, preferably wearing the same clothes. I've been greeted with complete horror, just because I was wearing a hat—and I thought it suited me.


*word.

**my college roommates inform me that i once sat straight up in bed, unseeing, and yelled LET ME TELL YOU, HERKING A BROWN BREAD SANDWICH IS HIGHLY OVERRATED!